Gardner Lane

by Tas Holland

Feelings

I have a lot of feelings today.

My husband got a job offer yesterday and he accepted.

I’ve been at this “mom life only” gig for a couple weeks now and I am feeling more and more confused about what I should be spending my time on.

It’s February.

I hate February.

I’m slightly overwhelmed with some assignments I have at church. Mostly because I volunteered to talk to other people about things and I don’t typically enjoy doing that so I procrastinate.

Sometimes, one little thing can trigger a minor meltdown. A text from someone that then fills my head with all kinds of unproductive, destructive, upsetting thoughts. Nothing serious, just making me less enjoyable to be around.

It’s been a long day.

About Brock’s job…

We’ve been planning for this, hoping and praying for it. But I am mourning the loss of our free lifestyle. Our way of working when we need to and playing whenever we want to.

Now we have to PTO and schedule ahead and enjoy the weekends and evenings with daddy because he will be gone all day long.

We’ll be able to pay the bills so that’s good! It’s just gonna be a weird change. It’s for sure going to be rough on the kids. They’ve already cried about it a few times.

And I know it will get better as we find our new flow. It always does.

That “mom life only” thing…

It’s still hard.

I tried to do an art challenge with a skillshare class I enjoyed. I finished 2 of 26.

The 100 day project is coming up and I want to do it (mostly because my Creative Powerhouse peer group is all doing it and I love it, but I wasn’t gonna do it and now I want to…. I’m a mess).

But I have no idea what to do. I have a ton of things I want to try and learn and practice, but nothing is saying to me, “Do this for 100 dayssss!” In fact, everything on my list tells me I would NOT be able to do it for 100 days.

And because I have no art business, I don’t have to do anything really. It’s freeing and crippling all at the same time.

And February…

Oy. I grew up in the desert. There is literally no winter there. And here, in my beautiful state of Arkansas, we have a good variety of seasons and I love that part… but the winter is as humid as the summer.

Which means it is in your bones. And it’s dreadful.

You cannot go outside and enjoy it. So I’m in here hibernating and it makes me slightly emotional. I just have to get through February and it’s only 26 more days. I can do that right?

The other things…

Church is fine. I just have to get through Valentine’s and that’s close, so that’s ok. But my Valentines this year is surprisingly crazy! We’re talking 4 days of things I have to prep for!

Like all the valentine’s for my kids.

And getting the fundraiser organized (that’s church).

And trying to do something nice for my hubby. HA! I hate Valentines. He knows it, so it’s fine.

Ok. I think I’m done blowing some steam. This blog has turned into my emotion dumping of feelings. And it’s gonna pick up here I think.

Yeah, pretty soon!

I’m gonna sort things out and find some creative enjoyment and just keep moving forward. Because that’s what I do.

Is this what it feels like?

When women quit their day job to be stay-at-home moms, I’ve heard it’s a rough transition. I’ve heard they get the “go back to work” itch and it’s hard to adjust.

Is this what it feels like??

I’ve been a stay-at-home since I was 7 months pregnant with my oldest, Paislee. She’s turning 8 this year. And about the time all my babies get to be 9 months old, I feel like itch again to work on something.

I’ve started blogs, snail mail side hustles, weaving and crocheting shops, crochet pattern design, and finally my illustration business.

Guess how old Copper was when I started that?… 9 months.

And I always stopped to slow down before another baby arrives. No baby is currently in the oven, so stopping isn’t so I can slow down and rest. It’s so I can focus on the kids I already have!

But it also feels like I’m slowing down so I can unload the dishwasher and switch the laundry and that’s really just not what I had intended.

I feel like a house wife.

Like if someone were to ask me “what I do,” I’d just say… I’m a stay at home mom. Not an illustrator. Because what I do is teach my kids and sweep the floors.

Ok, that’s not all I do.

I have been reading more and drawing for myself. I’ve had plenty of time to do the Young Women and Girl’s Camp tasks. And life feels less stressful without deadlines.

But it’s still a really weird feeling. And I definitely think this is how people might feel when they leave the work force to come home. I know it will get better and I know I will enjoy the pace once we all settle in. But right now, I just feel a little aimless because homeschooling is a lot like laundry. There isn’t an end in sight.

And that’s what it feels like right now.

Pondering on the new life ahead after the first day

2022 – It’s going to be interesting, that’s all I can say.

Going into the year, I really focused on setting up some goals and expectations. I already knew I was going to let go of the branding portion of my business (which was very helpful in 2021, but I just didn’t love it and didn’t feel like it was a good use of my time), but I didn’t know I would be letting go of my business completely.

It took me awhile to get on board with what God was telling me to do.

1. focus on homeschooling my kids

2. taking care of my body

3. committing to my 2 callings (Young Women second counselor and stake camp leader over YCL’s)

4. and practicing my art

There was a lot of praying and a lot of prayers answered. A lot of inspiration, humbling, and eye-opening. I finally had to accept that closing the “doors” of Gardner Lane was actually a good idea.

But now that I am officially not working, it feels very freeing.

Today was the first day. The kids came home from their grandparents’ yesterday, and today we started the winter semester of school.

Not feeling rushed through lessons so I could get to “what was really important” made today so much less stressful. I could actually teach Malory her reading lesson without being frustrated when she doodled on the page before she wrote her spelling word. And I could wait for Paislee to drive her boat around the whole room before paying for her boat ticket with as few coins as possible during math.

And I could just let them soak in the information at their own pace.

Now here I sit, pondering it all, writing it down, and appreciating what today was. We finished school for the day and I felt like we actually did enough. I washed, dried and folded an entire load of laundry. Now the girls are behind me making paper dolls and Copper is playing with a slinky. And I don’t have anything that I just have to get done for a client or an Etsy listing or some other unreasonable deadline I’ve set for myself.

I might feel differently next week, but today I’m just going to be grateful for the peace I have right now.

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